Subjects Nonfiction Humor Nonfiction. The Mammoth Book of Dirty, Sick, X-Rated and Politically Incorrect Jokes is the ultimate collection of X-rated and decidedly politically incorrect jokes - an indispensable guide to the funny, the fearless and the filthy. Be warned, the contents of this spanking new bumper book are not for the faint-hearted. Even a blonde would blush Nonfiction Humor Nonfiction.
Geoff Tibballs Author Geoff Tibballs is the author of numerous bestselling humour titles.
- The Mammoth Book of Dirty, Sick, X-Rated and Politically Incorrect Jokes.
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- Law and Revolution, The Formation of the Western Legal Tradition.
- The Mammoth Book of More Dirty, Sick, X-Rated and Politically Incorrect Jokes Geoff Tibballs.
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If you Buy It Now, you'll only be purchasing this item. If you'd like to get the additional items you've selected to qualify for this offer, close this window and add these items to your cart. Buy only this item Close this window -. What do you use for bait? Why did the blonde roast a chicken for three and a half days? Two blondes were waiting at a bus stop. Everyone was gone except his secretary — you know the one. And she just stood there waiting for him to give her the rest of the phone number. The nurse asked.
The Mammoth Book of Dirty, Sick, X-rated and Politically Incorrect Jokes
Three women — a blonde, a brunette and a redhead — worked in an office with the same female boss. Each day the boss left work early, so finally the three decided that they would do the same. The brunette was thrilled to leave early so that she could get home and play with her baby son. The redhead was thrilled to leave early so that she could go to the gym.
And the blonde was thrilled to leave early so that she could get home and surprise her husband. But when she got home she heard muffled noises coming from her bedroom. Slowly she opened the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss. Gently she closed the door and crept back out of the house. The next day at coffee break, the brunette and the redhead said they were planning to leave early again and they asked the blonde whether she was going to do the same.
A blonde walked into a bank to withdraw money. Two bowling teams — one all blondes, the other all brunettes — hired a double-decker bus for a weekend tournament in Denver. The brunette team rode on the bottom deck of the bus while the blondes travelled on the top level. The brunette team were having a great time, laughing and joking, until one of them realized that it was totally silent upstairs where the blondes were sitting.
So she decided to go upstairs and investigate. There, she found all the blondes frozen in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, and gripping the seats in front of them with white knuckles. A blonde was summoned to appear as a witness in a court case. So the prosecution may ask the question. Turning to the witness stand, he asked. Why did the blonde stand in front of the mirror with her eyes closed? A young ventriloquist touring the clubs stopped to entertain at a small town bar. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way?
One day the brunette was attending a large agricultural show when she spotted the ideal bull for the farm. However the telegraph office charged one dollar per word, and the brunette discovered that she only had one dollar left. What did the blonde say to her swimming instructor? A blonde was driving along the highway when she was pulled over by a police patrol car. She immediately called the cops who sent the nearest patrol in the area, which happened to be a dog handler.
Seeing the cop and his dog approach the house, the blonde suddenly burst into tears. They send me a blind policeman! So she asked the attendant for a coat hanger in the hope of opening the car door that way. The attendant gave her a hanger and she took it outside. Ten minutes later, he went out to the car to see how she was doing. A brunette, a blonde and a redhead are all in fifth grade.
Who has the biggest tits? A blonde, a brunette and a redhead were about to be consigned either to heaven or hell. They had to walk up one hundred stairs but on each stair God told a joke, and if they laughed they went to hell. The brunette got as far as the 39th stair when she laughed and was sent straight to hell. The redhead reached the 81st stair when she, too, laughed and was sent to hell. The blonde got all the way to heaven but then she suddenly burst out laughing. Back in the old days in Texas, three people were travelling in a stagecoach: a true redblooded born-and-raised Texas gentleman, a tenderfoot city slicker from back east, and an elegant Texas lady.
No tenderfoot from back east is gonna raise the price of a woman in Texas! Then he started jacking off. Soon another girl did the same thing. Confused, he kept walking. One of them has scratched out the phone number. A guy went into a whorehouse and said he wanted the best blow job money could buy. A few minutes later, the hooker came in and proceeded to suck him off. Afterwards, she reached under the bed, pulled out a jar and spat in it.
The hooker happily gave him another blow job. Afterwards, she again pulled out the jar and spat in it. Intrigued, he asked her what the jar was for. Whoever fills up their jar first gets to drink them both. Two high school sweethearts promised to stay together forever but, when they went to different colleges hundreds of miles apart, her interest began to cool. When he phoned her, she was never around: if he wrote love letters to her, she would take weeks to reply: even his urgent e-mails did not warrant an immediate response.
Eventually she confessed that she wanted to see other guys. He took the news badly, and increased the number of calls, letters, and e-mails in an attempt to win her back. She felt harassed by this unwanted bombardment and, to convince him that it was time to move on, she took drastic action: she sent him a Polaroid of her giving her new boyfriend a blow job. A salesman was on business in Las Vegas. One evening he got chatting to a woman in a bar and eventually realised that she was a hooker. Try to be more positive. No, I only hack from my work computer. The combination is the same as his birthdate.
Sure, I banged his wife at the Christmas party. I only forge his name on the important stuff. And so there I was, his daughter was on her knees. An old man was sitting on a beach when he spotted a beautiful young girl in a bikini. Get away from me before I call the police! Go away NOW! Oh, my God! The next day, she bumped into a man in the grocery store, and when he begged her pardon, another inch was added to her breasts. She was in seventh heaven. A woman wanted to have surgery to make her breasts bigger.
Her husband was all in favour of the idea, but baulked at the cost. Her grandmother went mad. You gotta let your rosebuds show! The next day the teenager came downstairs to find her granny sitting there with no top on. A flat-chested woman went shopping for a new bra. She was just about to give up when she stumbled across a small lingerie shop that was run by an elderly deaf lady. What is it you want? After a few weeks, God called on her in the Garden of Eden to make sure that she was having a good time. I reckon two breasts would be enough. Is there anything you can do?
You see, all the animals in the garden have a mate, but I have nobody. Is there any chance that you can create a mate for me? You do need a mate. I will create Man from a part of your body. Now, let me see. Where did I put that useless tit? Bush was invited to tea with the Queen. He asked her what her leadership philosophy was and she said that it was to surround herself with intelligent people. He asked her how she tested intelligence. Who is it? Rumsfeld immediately called a meeting of his senior advisers but, after poring over the puzzle for several hours, they were unable to come up with an answer.
In desperation he rang Colin Powell and explained his problem. I know who it is! Bush was visiting a fourth grade class at an elementary school. Bush create 14 million new jobs? George W. Bush was visiting famous Washington landmarks for inspiration. What do they really want? Bush was waiting in an airport lobby when he noticed a man in a long white flowing robe with a long flowing white beard and flowing white hair. The man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm. Bush keep his fly open? A stranger walked into a cowboy bar and ordered a beer just as George W.
Bush appeared on television. This time, a customer from the other end of the bar stood up, marched over to the stranger and shoved him off his stool. Bush went to a primary school to talk about the war in Iraq. At the end of his talk, he asked whether there were any questions. One little boy put up his hand.
What is your question, Billy? Second, why were you elected President when Al Gore got more votes? And third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden? Bush informed the children that they would continue the session after the break. When they resumed. Who has a question? Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden? Fourth, why did the bell for break go twenty minutes early? Fifth, what happened to Billy?
Bush went to the doctor to get the results of his brain scan. First, we have discovered that your brain has two sides: the left side and the right side. I thought everybody had two sides to their brain? They are just made up by a bunch of stupid people. In fact, most of the people on this planet are incredibly stupid. Take us back to where we started, please. People are idiots wherever you go! And boy, was that cabbie ever stupid! He picked us up right in front of a phone booth.
He should have realized you could have called home instead. One day she was driving along when a van pulled out in front of her, causing her to brake sharply. And the radio switched automatically to George W. Bush and his driver were passing a farm when a pig suddenly jumped out into the road. He went to the farm to explain what had happened, and emerged five minutes later clutching a beer, a cigar and a stack of money.
Seeing this. Bush and Tony Blair were sitting in a bar when another guest arrived and asked them what they were talking about. No one is going to ask about the Muslims. Your pizza delivery guy is also on contract with Warner Bros. Your favourite TV show is interrupted by a police chase. You drive to any destination more than five minutes away on foot.
Your co-worker says she has eight body piercings. You know someone named Freedom, Rainbow or Destiny. A really great parking space can move you to tears. Your best friends just named their twins after her acting coach and his personal trainer. How many Los Angeles Police Department officers does it take to beat the hell out of a gang member? An LA cop pulled over a car being driven by two black guys.
No sooner had the driver wound down his window than the cop hit him across the face with his flashlight. Got it? The officer checked the details before returning them to the driver. Just as the driver was about to wind up his window, the cop hit him again. The cop then walked around to the passenger side and tapped on the window.
When the passenger rolled down his window, the cop hit him over the head. Two little girls — Chelsea and Harley — were in the lunchroom of a Beverly Hills elementary school. Just missed it by half an hour! One guy was thrown through the windscreen and his buddy was sent hurtling down an embankment. The first was charged with breaking and entering, and the second was charged with leaving the scene of an accident.
He had been travelling so long that he felt an urgent need to have sex. Since there were no women in the desert, he turned to his camel and tried to position himself to have sex with the animal, but the camel ran off. The man ran as fast as he could in the blistering heat to catch the camel, climbed back on and they set off on their journey again. Soon the urge to have sex returned, so again he turned to his camel but the horrified beast ran off once more. He managed to catch it and together they continued their trek through the desert.
Finally at the end of the vast wilderness, they came to a road and there in a broken down car were three beautiful, busty young blondes. The sex-starved man went over and asked the women if they needed any help. Then you take a big rock in each hand and smack his testicles between the rocks. CANADIANS Two guys who were best friends had both recently got divorced and the experience had left them so bitter that they vowed never to have anything to do with women again.
To start a new life away from women, they decided to move up to the far north of Canada. Two Canadian men were sitting around the house bored. You know that the four seasons mean: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road work. You own five pairs of hockey skates and only one pair of shoes. You think sexy lingerie is tube-socks and a flannel nightdress with only eight buttons. You think driving is better in winter because the potholes are filled with snow. You have ten favourite recipes for moose meat. A guy was driving along the highway towards Edmonton when he spotted a pretty girl standing by the side of the road.
As the driver slowed down to offer her a lift, a huge Canadian suddenly stepped out into the middle of the road and dragged him from the car. So for the third time the guy set about jerking himself off. He could just see the pretty girl beyond the car, but it took him twenty-five minutes to come, at the end of which he collapsed exhausted into the dirt. The Canadian immediately hauled him to his feet. A young couple headed up to the wilds of Canada for a romantic weekend.
The guy went off to chop wood but returned after twenty minutes, complaining that his hands were cold. A few minutes later he was back again, complaining that his hands were cold. Once more, she let him warm them between her thighs before he resumed his work in the forest. Five minutes later, he returned again.
In Canada there are only two seasons — six months of winter and six months of poor snowmobiling. Seeing two dogs mating, an embarrassed Canadian teacher tried to explain it to her young students. What do you call a Canadian who moves to America and becomes an international celebrity through movies, music or sport?
At the site of a plane crash deep in a wooded valley, the lone survivor sat chewing on a bone. As he tossed it onto a huge pile of bones, the rescue team arrived. Instead their eyes were fixed in horror at the pile of human bones beside this solitary survivor. It was clear that he had eaten all his fellow passengers. I had to eat. Is it so wrong to want to live? For six months there were no problems, but then their boss called them into his office and told them that an office cleaner had gone missing.
As obvious suspects, the cannibals were sacked on the spot. Two missionaries were captured by a tribe of cannibals who put them in a large pot of water, lit a huge fire beneath it, and left them to boil. After a few minutes, one of the missionaries began to laugh uncontrollably. What could possibly be funny at a time like this?
The Mammoth Book of Dirty, Sick, X-Rated and Politically Incorrect Jokes by Geoff Tibballs
CATS You are putting up shelves. Told that he was being transferred to Chicago, a Seattle office worker said he would rather quit his job than move there. I myself worked in Chicago for ten years, and in all that time I never had a problem with crime. She was a saint on earth. She went to church every single morning, spent her days reading and quoting the scriptures, sang hymns and psalms all evening, filled our house with religious statues and paintings, and invited priests and nuns to dinner three times a week. Put that ice cream away, and go and play. What do you want to play? You go upstairs and lie on the bed.
The birthday boy was so rich that he had his own swimming pool and all the kids went in. A young boy came home from school with a sofa slung across his back and carrying two armchairs. Meanwhile downstairs the mother, while preparing the turkey, also cut herself. Once again the kid asked what the word meant, and the mother pretended that it was her word for stuffing the turkey.
Moments later, the doorbell rang. A woman saw a small boy leaning against a wall smoking a cigarette and taking swigs from a bottle of scotch. When the young man entered the bedroom, he saw the little boy kneeling at the side of the bed with his head bowed. Thinking he was in prayer, he decided to follow his example and knelt at the other side of the bed with his head bowed. After sex, he suddenly ran to the window, took a deep breath, dived under the bed, climbed out the other side and started screwing her again.
This happened four times. During the fifth encore, the hooker was so impressed by his stamina that she decided to try his routine for herself. So when he had finished, she ran to the window, took a deep breath, dived under the bed. A garbage collector was going along the street emptying the wheelie bins.
Eventually a Chinese man answered the door breathlessly. What do you get when you cross a Mexican and a Chinese man? A Chinese man had three daughters. He asked the eldest daughter what kind of man she wanted to marry. The evening went so well that at the end of it, much to her surprise, the client asked her to marry him. So she tried to think of a way of dissuading the little man from wanting to marry her. First, I want my engagement ring to have a huge diamond with a matching diamond tiara. I buy. And as a vacation home, I want a chateau built in the middle of champagne country in France.
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I build. Finally, shaking his head in despair, he said to the woman. I cut. At the end of the day, the boss returned to check on their work. Santa then went through his books to make sure they were right up to date, for he knew that the examiner would be extremely thorough. On arrival, the examiner walked slowly around the sleigh. Santa got in to the sleigh, fastened his seat belt and shoulder harness, and checked the compass. All the reindeer were in position.
When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on either side of the bed. The preacher gripped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled, and stared silently at the ceiling. Both the banker and the lawyer were touched and flattered that the preacher should ask them to be with him during his final moments.
But they were also puzzled. For the preacher had never previously given any indication that he particularly liked either of them. Indeed they remembered how his many long sermons about greed made them squirm uncomfortably in their seats. It was such a damn fine sermon! I cannot have you behaving this way in church. Did you hear about the guy who told jokes about religion?
A man was hit by a bus in a busy street in New York City. As he lay dying on the sidewalk, a crowd of onlookers gathered around. Then out of the crowd stepped an elderly man. Avenue, and every night I listen to the Catholic litany. So maybe I can be of some comfort to this man.
The old man. Nobody has ever been hanged, tortured, or burned at the stake over his particular brand of beer. No one will kill you for not drinking beer.
Beer does not tell you when or how to have sex. You can prove you have a beer. You can switch your brand of beer whenever you want without losing your beerdrinking friends. If you have devoted your entire life to beer, there are groups you can join to help you stop. A Southern Baptist minister was addressing his congregation. I am a sad man because a member of this church has been spreading the word that I am a member of the Ku Klux Klan. That person has not had the courage to speak this falsehood to my face, so I call upon them to stand up now before you all and tell me why they have been peddling such malicious lies.
How could you say such things about me? All I did was tell my friend you were a wizard beneath the sheets! Whatever word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn comes into your head. Everyone was in shock.
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They all shifted uncomfortably in their seats, glancing at each other, afraid to say anything. When he arrived there, the Devil greeted him and offered him three ways to spend eternity. At the first door the Devil showed him Newt Gingrich, hanging from the ceiling with fire raging beneath him. So they moved on to the third door. Behind it was Ken Starr, chained to the wall with Monica Lewinsky on her knees giving him a blow job. Did you hear that Monica Lewinsky turned Republican?
In an ambassadorial role, former President Clinton met the Pope for an international summit. Their meeting was supposed to last for an hour, but instead it went on for two days. Looking tired and dismayed, he declared that the meeting with the former President had been a.
Bush died and found themselves standing on the other side of the River Jordan, looking across at the Promised Land. You will sink only in accordance with your sins on Earth. The more you have sinned, the deeper into the water you will sink. Fearing that his sins were catching up with him, he inched precariously across the river but, against all the odds, he managed to reach the other side.
As he did so, he turned around to see how the others were doing. You must promise never to look in it. Hillary intended keeping quiet about her discovery, but eventually she came clean and confessed to looking in the box. After thirty years of living in suspense, I simply had to know what was in the box. But tell me, Bill, why do you keep empty beer cans in there? Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again.
Spit out your gum — I want to play President. The three worked long and hard in a brainstorming session to try to settle on the wording of the new commandment because they were aware that it should have the same majesty and dignity as the other ten. Bill is going to die a horrible death. Will I be acquitted?
What bad things have you done in your life? The bad news is it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles. Although only too aware that an important part of himself was missing, he resolved to make a fresh start and, spotting a clothes shop, decided to go in. Tom tried on the suit.
It fitted perfectly. Why not? How did you know? Tom tried on the shirt and it fitted perfectly. Tom tried on the shoes and they fitted perfectly. I got you! A size 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache. With a strong wind gusting down the street, a police officer noticed an old woman standing on a corner holding on tightly to her hat while her skirt blew up to her waist. But this hat is brand new! Why do ballerinas wear tights?
Called to testify before the IRS, a man asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. Why was the two-piece bikini invented? An attractive woman was browsing in an exclusive New York shoe store when a pair of boots caught her eye. Absolutely fantastic. On holiday in Morocco, a couple were accosted by a street trader selling footwear.
When the husband began admiring a pair of sandals, the trader unleashed his full sales pitch, telling the man that he would become a sex god if he wore them. Naturally the man was sceptical. So the man put on the sandals, and was immediately overcome with intense feelings of sexual desire.
But instead of lusting after women, he suddenly fancied the Moroccan and, with a wild look in his eyes, rushed at the startled trader. Thank you. I came home early last night and found it hanging over a chair in the bedroom. A young man bought a new pair of boots, of which he was very proud. He decided to show them off at his favourite nightclub.
Then he danced again. While there, he was horrified to see a man wearing an Auburn University jersey struggling to free himself from the jaws of a twelve-foot long shark. At that precise moment, a boat containing three men wearing University of Alabama T-shirts roared into view. The other two reached out and pulled the Auburn fan from the water and, using long clubs, the three beat the shark to death. They then bundled the bleeding, semi-conscious man into the boat along with the dead shark and ferried them to their waiting truck. As they made the transfer to dry land, they heard the senator shouting to them.
The senator heaped lavish praise upon the rescuers. I can see now that your state is an enlightened example of true harmony and could serve as a role model for others with internal feuds. With that, they drove off in a cloud of dust. Six college students fell out of a city bar and crowded into a Jeep for the ride back to campus. A Harvard graduate died and went to hell.
Inside, guys were being buggered senseless by men in masks while other acts of depravity were taking place in dark corners. And everyone was wearing Harvard colours. I have been remiss in writing and I am very sorry for my thoughtlessness. I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on, please sit down.
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