Forgive and Forget


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Other Editions Friend Reviews. To see what your friends thought of this book, please sign up. To ask other readers questions about Forgive and Forget , please sign up. I need it for my thesis. See 2 questions about Forgive and Forget…. Lists with This Book. This book is not yet featured on Listopia. Community Reviews. Showing Rating details. More filters. Sort order. Masterfully written with a theological emphasis. Forgive and Forget is divided into 4 parts. Glad I did. This part talked about various acts from hurtful feelings by close friends and family, to rapes, crime victims, human atrocities.

The author eloquently provided insightful comments as to how to go abou Masterfully written with a theological emphasis.

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The author eloquently provided insightful comments as to how to go about forgiving. He even mentioned that some things are so unforgivable we have to let it go for ourselves and let God handle it. The primary theme I got from this short, easy to read book was that NOT forgiving can eat away at our souls, fundamentally changing us. To stay angry at a person changes us and wastes energy.

Forgiving doesn't mean we forget. Doesn't mean we aren't angry. It just means we have chosen to put the past behind us and move on. The stages of forgiveness indicate that once we no longer wish someone harm, we are on the road to forgiveness. It doesn't mean we want to be friends with them anymore, but we no longer carry around a seed of hate.

Seeds grow It takes time. The section on Confusion mentioned having a disagreement with someone that manifested itself over time and to a point that we no longer remembered what we were angry about. Over time the reason we were angry slips away, but we stay angry because of the length of time we harbored hard feelings. What a predicament! Also, it is important to forgive freely, not be manipulated into forgiving. Part IV Why Forgive explained how detrimental it is on our souls to harbor anger, resentment and hatred toward other people.

Some people we need to cut from our lives, but let the anger go. It takes time, sometimes years before we are able to completely forgive a person who wronged us. And it was impossible to completely forgive a person who was no longer alive. Best to clear the air before it is too late. There were numerous examples from the author's past as well as stories he was aware of. Example stories included: infidelity, rape, incest, good friend stabbing you in the back, co-worker stabbing you in the back, family squabbles, etc.

Excellent book and another favorite from This Reader. View all 7 comments.


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Best spiritual book I have ever read on the topic of forgiveness of terrible wrongs even evil done to us. He even has a chapter entitled ' Monsters ', so it is a book that does not sugar coat the evils and awful things people do and say to one another, including children. Highly recommended. Mar 24, Skylar Burris rated it really liked it. This book provided an excellent look into the what and the why of forgiveness, but it was not quite so helpful when it came to the how.

This detail helps a person to have reasonable expectations about what he will be able to do when he forgives. The definition also helps one to become more self-aware of whether or not he is actually forgiving. In addition to This book provided an excellent look into the what and the why of forgiveness, but it was not quite so helpful when it came to the how. In addition to defining forgiveness, the book overviews the different types of offenses for which we must forgive people. There the book was lacking. The book makes wonderful use of literary examples and parables, but I think the author used too many examples from his own personal life.

The book is by a Christian author, but it is not particularly heavy on the explicit Christian references; in fact, they are few and far between, and so this book may be useful to non-Christians as well. View 2 comments. Aug 31, Bill Braun rated it it was amazing Shelves: spirituality. There are many good books on forgiveness. I found this one most helpful for its way of describing the hurts we experience and offering clear and practical ways of understanding that hurt.

The book's title is a little misleading, insofar as the author does not advocate forgetting in the sense of simply putting it out of mind. The forgetting has to do with ceasing to relive the people and the events that caused us hurt and turning our attention to healing. Mar 12, Bill rated it really liked it. A Christian approach to healing after life's pains that isn't wimpy, maudlin or preachy. The author gives some good examples of hard life experiences and admits openly the slow, difficult path to forgiveness of others as well as ourselves.

For those tired of the "steps" process i. Feb 18, CJ Burgan rated it it was ok. I like the IDEA around this book, but while he makes some good philosophical arguments for the order in which we must forgive, there are no real practical application steps for those of us who are very visual. I ended reading this book with the feeling that there were a lot of people I needed to work through this process with, but I was left hanging as to what was the best way to begin.

Jan 11, Randy rated it liked it. Well written book that approaches human-to-human forgiveness from the theraputic angle i. However, this view marginalizes forgiveness and trivalizes sin. Sep 23, Fuad Alsultan rated it liked it. This is a 3 star book in my opinion. It's based on Christian believes and therefore I could not digest all what's written. Though, the author gave some good insights in some chapters. I needed to forgive myself for a couple of wrongdoings that I did, and after reading this book I believe I am now better and closer to forgive myself than I was before.

I likes the idea that even after hurting someone, we should not look at ourselves as bad people through out our repentance time. Our bad feeling fo This is a 3 star book in my opinion. Our bad feeling for hurting others should get us out of hating ourselves for what we did, because what we want to be tomorrow, should not be affected by what we already did in the past. I like how we wish those who hurt us well, is a sign that we already forgave them or in our way to. Forgiveness takes time, might take several trials too. We shall understand some circumstances that led others hurt us and always remember that love got us into this and love will get us out of it.

Jul 23, Lisa rated it liked it Shelves: nonfiction , branching-out. It was very well written; the author certainly can paint a picture with words, which made it a fairly easy read. I thought there were a couple of contradictions, and I disagreed greatly with one major aspect which he seemed to later contradict himself about.

Are We Truly Able to Forgive and Forget? | Psychology Today

It did a really good job of defining "what" forgiveness is and what types of acts the author believes to be needing of forgiveness, but the "how" is obviously easier said than done and more ambivalent. Overall, though, I would recommend it, if for nothing else, to reinforce some key concepts. Mar 31, Amir rated it it was amazing.

Learned that if you love yourself, you should not hate anyone! Holding hatred inside yourself is more harm for you than the person being hated! Basically no hurt to the person and more like holding a fire of hell burning you from inside! Not a smart way. Was very helpful for me. View 1 comment. Jun 08, Glenda Light rated it really liked it. A small volume written in a readable style including practical examples of forgiveness.

Forgiving is presented as a healing act for both the wronged and the wrongdoer, but not as an easily accomplished act.

What Does It Mean To Forgive & Forget? Here's What Experts Have To Say

Presents a list of things that forgiveness is not, things we hide behind in the name of forgiveness. A little confused by the title, Forgive and Forget, because I am not sure that forgetting IS forgiving, but definitely some thought provoking material. Jan 23, Nathan Albright rated it it was amazing Shelves: challenge Right from the beginning, this author makes it clear that he knows his reading audience: "Somebody hurt you, maybe yesterday, maybe a lifetime ago, and you cannot forget it.

You did not deserve the hurt. It went deep, deep enough to lodge itself in your memory. And it keeps on hurting you now xi. This is a book that knows its place wit Right from the beginning, this author makes it clear that he knows his reading audience: "Somebody hurt you, maybe yesterday, maybe a lifetime ago, and you cannot forget it. This is a book that knows its place within the larger context of the works on the subject, and an author that speaks about forgiveness from the best point of view to have, of someone who has struggled to forgive others, and someone who knows deeply what it is like to be forgiven.

From this perspective, and from someone who has read a great deal of literature on the subject of forgiveness and related concerns and internalized them, the result is a compelling book about what it means to forgive, and the process of forgiveness from both sides, and the eventual goals and purposes of forgiveness in the face of a world that often seeks to dodge the problem. The contents of this book are pretty comprehensive, especially for a book of about pages.

The book begins with a fable of the magic eyes, and closes with a brief conclusion called a postlude. The rest of the materials are of the book are made up of four parts. The first part of the book talks about the four stages of forgiveness hurting, hating, healing, and reconciliation and some nice things that forgiveness is not. The second part of the book talks about forgiving people who are hard to forgive invisible people, people who do not care, ourselves, monsters, and God.

The third part of the book talks about how people forgive slowly, with a little understanding, in confusion, with anger left over, a little at a time, freely or not at all, and with a fundamental feeling. The fourth part of the book gives reasons to forgive in the face of those who think forgiveness to be a copout from the need for justice, such as the way it makes life fairer, a better risk than revenge, stronger, and fitting faulty people like ourselves. The author never forgets to remind the reader that we are both in the position of needing to be forgiven and needing also to forgive, pointing out to the reader that the Gospels consistently connect our forgiveness with our forgiving, something that ought to give all of us pause.

Given that forgiveness and reconciliation are not exactly new subjects to write about, and probably were not even remotely new in the s when the author was writing this book, does this book deliver the goods? Is it worth reading more than thirty years later? In a word, yes. What makes this book worthwhile? It manages to combine personal experience, evidence of having done impressive reading and research, sound biblical exegesis, and practical tips. All of these make it a worthwhile book, even if the subject material of the book is not very pleasant. What sort of things does this book talk about forgiving?

Rape, sexual abuse, bullying, adultery, and so on. This is not a call to forgive people for being slow in traffic, as irritating as that may be, but for serious offenses that wound people for their entire lives and that have generational ripples.

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Forgiveness and reconciliation are by no means easy matters, but this is a good book to encourage people to go through the process, as difficult and awkward as it is for all of us. As the author reminds us at the close of his excellent book, "If you are trying to forgive; even if you manage forgiving in fits and starts, if you forgive today, hate again tomorrow, and have to forgive again the day after, you are a forgiver.

A study in the Journal of Behavioral Medicine found that people who practice "conditional forgiveness" may be more likely to die earlier. Conditional forgiveness is offering forgiveness only when the other person apologizes first. The researchers explained that you'll probably be quicker to forgive when the other person admits it was his fault, but you shouldn't need that to move on.

The problem with needing an apology is that you might not get one. The researchers found that without an apology, the conditional forgivers still held onto anger and resentment. Over time, this stress takes a toll on our heart health. The solution? Don't wait for the "I'm sorry. If you're already mad at them, don't give them the ability to shorten your life!

Forgive and walk away. When you are harboring negative feelings for a friend, it weighs on you. You may feel more irritable or tired all of the time. Well, it's not just your brain that is in hyperdrive when you're obsessing about the fight. Your heart has to work overtime, too. A study in the Journal of Behavioral Medicine asked college students to think of a time when they felt betrayed, then monitored their blood pressure and heart rate.

The researchers used surveys to determine if the students were likely to forgive or not. The students with "trait forgiveness" had lower blood pressure readings than those who did not consider themselves forgivers. Trait forgivers also had lower heart rates at baseline and when thinking of the betrayal. And while everyone's blood pressures increased when they thought about the betrayal, the forgivers' blood pressures returned to normal faster than the other group.

Letting go of a long-held grudge will absolutely help your mind feel lighter, but it may do the same for your body. Researchers from Erasmus University's Rotterdam School of Management in the Netherlands asked half of their study participants to think of a time when they forgave a loved one and the other half to think of a time when they were wronged, but did not forgive. After writing about their experiences, the participants walked to a nearby hill and were asked to estimate the slant of the hill. The participants who had just written about forgiveness rated the hill as less steep than the ones who had only focused on the negative.

The moment you decide to forgive your friend, you know you'll feel relieved. It turns out that if you continue to be a forgiving person, you may end up feeling lighter and less stressed throughout your life. Stress takes a toll on our mental health, but forgiveness could be the antidote. A study in the Journal of Health Psychology looked at the connection between everyday stress and mental health. Researchers found that people who reported higher levels of stress had worse physical and mental health. That finding doesn't seem that earth-shattering, but the researchers also found that the study participants who were found to be "highly forgiving" were protected from this stress-induced effect.

In other words, even if they reported high levels of stress, it didn't affect their health. You don't have a buffer against that stress. If you're annoyed with your friend for talking about you behind your back, but decide to forgive her, research shows that it will bring the two of you closer. However, that one act of forgiveness stretches out into your other relationships and possibly even the world.

A review in the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin found that forgiving people actually increase their feelings of connectedness with everyone in their lives, not just ones they have personally forgiven. The study participants who considered themselves forgivers were even more likely to donate to charity and volunteer their time.

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All right, so maybe you're feeling open to the idea of forgiveness. When it still feels hard, where can you start? The researchers at Mayo Clinic recommend beginning with a commitment to change.

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Just opening yourself up to the idea of forgiveness is a good step. Think about what forgiveness could mean for you and your life. Will you feel free, lighter, happier? Then think about how this situation has affected your life. Has your health or sleep suffered? Are you thinking about that old argument all the time?

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